A Reminder Of Our Mortality

So today, halfway through my Law class, I got a text from my mum saying that my dad had been diagnosed with acute tonsilitis.

I swear, my blood froze. You really DON'T want anything like this to happen to you. EVER I didn't know what acute tonsilitis was, you see. It sounded like tonsils, but the acute part had me worrying. What if it's life-threatening?! I really can't imagine anything happening to my dad.

I worried through the whole of Law. I don't touch my phone in that class, period. But I had to reply my mum. She said that with immediate treatment, he should be fine.

But that's not the point. The point is.. I was scared. I was FRICKIN' scared. I don't have a great relationship with my dad, but he is my dad. I really can't imagine life without him, although we're both under no allusion that this is a reality that will take place in the future.

But you never want to receive that call, or that text. You never want to receive news that a loved one is dead, or dying. Ever.

I remember when I was about 6, my uncle passed away from goodness knows what. That was the first time I saw my dad cry. I had no idea why, but I cried together with him. I could feel the pain in his heart, the pain of losing a brother. The pain of never being able to see someone, ever again. I just wanted to hug him, let him know that everything's gonna be fine. But I couldn't. I couldn't do anything to alleviate his pain.

A student from our college passed away a month or two ago in a diving accident or something. Shu Ern, her name was. (I think) I had a friend who was apparently close to her. She came to college looking like shit. She had cried for the past few days. My heart just.. went out to her. I wanted to hug her and let her know that people could feel her pain too.. But I couldn't. I'm sorry, Rocyie, I don't know why I didn't. But I honestly wanted to.


It's just.. We're so mortal. One minute we're here, the next we may be gone. I'm constantly reminded of that, everyday when I drive on the road. One minute I might be driving normally, the next some lorry might come and smash into my car and crush me to death. Who knows, it might happen?

I don't want to launch into a cliche, long winded sermon about how you should treasure your loved ones. I just want to communicate with you.. The emotion I felt today. The whirlwind of worry I went through from one simple text. I want you to know.. This is dreadful. I just want you to know, you never want this happening to you. The rest should be clear to you.

In loving memory of a person I didn't know existed,
You were definitely cherished by those who did.

In reminiscence of everything my dad and I went through,
I love you dad.

Shit. I'm crying.

Insomnia

Insomnia

It's 2.45am in the morning. In about 3 hours, I will have to wake up, get ready and head to college for an 8am class. And no, it's not that fun. Unfortunately, I can't sleep either. Although I have had minimal caffeine, I still feel super energetic in thought. Jogging in the evening doesn't help either, I feel like I got an extra burst of energy from it. Darn it.

So, um. Focus. Today. Nothing much happened. Yesterday. Nothing much happened either. Um. basically nothing happened. Semester exam is in 3 weeks. Better start studying.

The Break Up

So, um. I just broke up with my girlfriend. She gave me back the shark soft toy I gave to her, and my jacket. Feels weird, my eyes are puffy and heavy though I haven't been crying.

Wait, before that, a disclaimer. I know a lot of people abhor other people blogging about their personal life that is not relatable at all (I mean who gives a fuck right) but I don't feel like talking to anyone atm and this old blog seems to be the only way I can vent out my heavy hearted feelings.  So yeah. This post is never meant to be viewed by anyone so you can just stop reading about now.

Our relationship started on February 14th of last year (2011). We only started seriously chatting for about a month beforehand. When it started, everything blew past very quickly. One thing led to another and we were jumping through tons of barriers together. The days were lovey dovey, the nights were awesome. Class was spent in thought of each other, and bed time was increasingly postponed and replaced with phone calls spanning quite a few hours late into the night. Consistently. Dates were heavenly. Our relationship grew in leaps and bounds.

But all good things must come to an end. Cracks appeared, here and there. We ignored them, forged the way ahead together. Caught up in a whirlwind romance, we gave everything to each other. We started experimenting with more and more. Our feelings, social boundaries, then fire. We started playing with fire. More and more, and in public too. An event happened which shock us to the very core. We were afraid. Very afraid. Perhaps her insecurity stemmed from there. Her family was both conservative and strict (they always are) so her mum was not aware of my existence. She had no one to turn to.

But I digress. Back on track. The cracks. More and more appeared. She was insecure. Jealous. Possessive, more and more so. The further we went, the more aggressive it got. I balked and retreated. The games began. I hid things. She found out some. She got angry, she yelled. I yelled. We made up. Each made promises but didn't keep them. The process repeated in an infinite loop.

A fast forward in time. I grew up. I left my hometown, went to college in a bigger city. She was left behind, one year younger as she was. The insecurity grew. I, being the centre of her universe, literally left her. Being busy, we communicated less and less. She watched as my essence started to flow out of her life. And she was torn apart. Slowly. Unbelieving, denying that she could not hold on to me, she tried to grip even tighter.

I knew it was time. I told her, in person. People say you shouldn't break up any other way other than face to face. Being unable to accept it, she broke down again. Begged for forgiveness, and another chance to return to my life. I said yes, when I shouldn't have. This had already dragged on too long.

Today was the final straw. It was something insignificant, some unimportant part of my life which I couldn't care less about. But she was stressed, and looking for an outlet for all her frustrations. Little did she know that I was stressed too. A few curt texts later, she withdrew from communication and hid in her shell.

That night, she asked me to go get her stuff. The marks of stress, insomnia and incessant tears showed on her face, in her eyes. My heart broke. We parted ways.

Later, she urged me to put my relationship status to private, then change it to single. She did the same.

I still need time to accept this. I wonder if this will be final, or if it is another false alarm like so many times before. But this time seems real. The presence of Sharkie and my jacket with me serve to further support this thought too. I will wait. And see.

There is nothing else I can do.

Life As It Stands

Hey, just finished my SPM last year. It feels great!

In the one and a half months since I finished my SPM, I've done quite a few things, mainly cleaning up my room and stuff. I've just completed a one week stay in Kuala Lumpur with a few friends.

So yeah. The next thing in life would probably be college? I intend to take a degree in law, but not sure if I want to do A-levels or foundation.

Either way, there's not much to it. Just chiong ahh!! ...till the end. Lol.

A Random Q&A Thingy Chian Did

If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why?

My bloated nose. My inflated sense of confidence. The I-Can-Do-Better-Im-Just-Too-Friggin'-Lazy Attitude which has dominated my life. What’s the best dream you’ve ever had? I dont want to tell you, useless blog which I have ignored for the past year.

What last made you laugh? Talking about The Losers. Cool movie. =) What sound do you love? The sound of music ♥

Do you believe in true love? Err.. Yes and no.. Do you have any nicknames? What are they? Lipstick Boy has been with me since primary school.

♥ to Rachel, Chiang, Pris who gave me that.

Ah Yong, Panda, dumbass so many laa..

Do you have tattoos? Why or why not? No, no why, but maybe will get one one day. What are the five most important things in your life? Family, laptop, internet connection, friends, my life in general What phobias do you have? Zerofishophobia. If ur not a Highian nor Chinese-taking student, u wouldnt understand. Do you play any instruments? Jumped from trumpet to euphonium and nothing now. I quit band. But that's another story. What 3 physical features do you get compliments on most?My brain (does that count as physical?), my tongue, my lovely round tummy ♥

What animal would you love to have as a pet? Something that can generate food by itself, pick up after itself, and clean its own home. Basically something that doesnt need taking care of. Maybe a cactus? That would make an ideal pet. Pick up the book nearest to you. Open to page 37, paragraph 2. What is the first sentence (and what book is it)? The Appeal, John Grisham: Brianna delivered a girl and selected the hideous name of Sadler MacGregor Trudeau, MacGregor being Brianna's maiden name and Sadler being pulled from the air. She at first claimed Sadler had been a roguish Scottish relative of some variety, but abandoned that fiction when Carl stumbled across a boo of baby names. He really didnt care. The child was his by DNA only. He had already tried the father bit with prior families and had failed miserably. What are your major goals in life? To succeed in life, love my family as much as possible, and to acquaint myself with at least 10000 people of different personalities.

What is your favorite food? Too much to list down. How do you cope with breaking up? I dont. I have been through the 5 stages of grief and mourning. I have denied it, ranted at the unfairness, made pacts with myself, crawled into a dark hole hoping to die and finally accepted my fate and moved on. What inspires you? Books, excerpts, quotes, music, people around me. How long was your longest relationship? Half a year? No idea. I dont keep track. Failures arent worth recording. What is your biggest pet peeve? I dont really understand. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? CHOCOLATE !♥

What is your favorite season and why? Winter. Because I've never experienced it before. What movie do you never get tired of watching? Cartoons and comedy. Usually the former is included in the latter.

Is there anything you’re superstitious about? I dont walk around the house solo if I hear some weird noises. How many people have you kissed? No one. Lucky me. If a genie granted you three wishes, what would they be? Freedom without responsibilities, more sleeping time , and unlimited wishes. What is your motto in life? I cant settle on one. I have half a dozen. What song always makes you happy? Any song which fits the mood. On a rainy day, what is your favorite thing to do? S.L.E.E.P and watch tv. Do you prefer hugs or kisses? Hugs. Definitely more intimate than getting slobbered over. If you could live forever, would you? Why or why not? No. I’d be bored as hell. Unless I have immortal people to live with laa. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? The ability to do dozens of things at once without draining my batteries a dozen times faster, more logic, and the incredibly wonderful power of persuasion. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep?

Training camp. 'Nuff said.

Would you rather have trust or love? Why? Can I have a little of both? Has any book or movie made an impact on you? Yes, but I forget. What do you think is the biggest mistake that men/women make in their relationships? Dishonesty. And lack of communication. If someone told you that you only had exactly 9 minutes to live, what would you do in those 9 minutes? I’d update my status on Facebook telling people that generosity pays someday. ^^ What’s the dumbest purchase you’ve ever made? All the earphones I never needed. Write a story in six words. My girlfriend ran out on me.

If a book were written about your life, what would the title be? 101 Things You Should Never Teach Your Kids, or maybe How To Get Thru Life Doing Half The Work Everyone Else Does Do you have any scars? Where did they come from? A couple. From here and there. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their smiles. Or lack thereof. How do you feel when people lead you on, and they don’t even like you? Its a thrill, and it's fun for awhile, then it gets boring. Would you ever forgive your boyfriend/ girlfriend for cheating on you? Been there, done that. Ever purposely broken your iPod/phone just for a new one? Err.. Not on purpose laa Do you feel like you have life figured out? Half. Then I find out there's alot more. Has anyone told you they would never leave and left? Yeah. Looking forward to anything? Not ftm. Maybe my driving licence and college. Would you say you’re an understanding person? Nope. Are you a loud person? If Im in the mood. xD Do you have trust issues? Depends on how familiar. Mostly nope. Do you think you could live without a cell phone? Yeapp. Are you a mean person? Not to people I care for. Not intentionally anyway. When was the last time you were told you were cute? A few hours ago. How long do you take in the shower? Usually 5 min, sometimes half an hour. Do you honestly think the world is going to end it 2012? Not really. My only regret is if it is, I'd have wasted my whole life in school. D0 y00h h@t3 wh3n p30p|3 t@|k |1k3 d1z? Serious dislike. Hate is such a strong word. Is facebook killing myspace? Yes. Why did you get myspace? I don’t have one.

What is your favorite Disney movie? Cant remember. I'm convinced it's something nice. How did your day start off? Sleepy. What is your current mood? Quite good. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Yeap. Have you ever cried so much you threw up? Nahh. Would you rather be mad or sad? Sad. Ever dropped a cell phone? Only once a day. Mayyybe more on certain days. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend? Online How do you feel about your siblings? They are irrational at times Would you rather fly, drive or travel by train? Walk or bike. No motion sickness involved. Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? Night. Morning so cold laa. Are there any people who don’t like you? Yeah?Kesian. Would you go out in public looking like you do now? No. I'm shirtless. What was the first thing you said this morning? To phone: Oh shit.

Do you miss someone? A lot of ppl Did your night suck last night? It wasn’t great, but it didn’t suck. What are you stressed out about? My studies. Would you ever get your hips pierced? Haha. no. Are your parents strict? Not really. Are you listening to music? Yeap. Dont Stop Believing - Glee Cast

Is this the end? We have come to a fork in our road together.. U've put a step down one path.. While I have every intent to go down the other.. Tell me.. Will u come with me? Or shall we end what we have, going in the same direction, but using different roads? Able to see each other, but no longer able to reach out to each other?

Tagged!

Doing daphne's tag.. LOl..

a

1. What's the relationship of you and her/him?

: In a relationship. =D a 2. Your 5 impressions towards her/him?

: Adorable

: Funny

: Happy-go-lucky.

: Hyper

: Caring friend.

a

3. The most memorable things she/he have said to you:

: Haha. Then i'll miss u like crazy lo.

a

4. The most memorable things she/he had done for you:

: shush..

a

5. If she/he became your lover, you will

: erm..

a

6. If she/he become your enemy, you will

: be sad. sob and cry. generally fuck up.

a 7. If she/he become your lover, she/he has to improve on

: reconsidering whether the right choice or not

a 8. If she/he become your enemy, the reason is

: me? probably..

a

*moving on with dignity*

a 9. The most desirable thing to do on for him/her is?

:shush..

a

10. The overall impression of him/her is...

: haha. indescribable would be perfect..

a 11. How do you think the people around you feel about you?

: half of them think im one helluva sonofabitch, the other half thinks im great.. which are u?

a 12. The character of you for yourself is?

: haiyo.. ask stupid question..

a 13. On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?

: lazy, tidak apa, very forgetful, can sometimes even forget my darling.. wow.. wish i was smarter too..

a

14. The most ideal person that you wanna be is?

: some1 who;s lived his ife to the fullest

a

15. For the people who care about you and like you, say something about them.

: I LOVE YOU! =)

a

16. Ten people to tag: 1. Not U 2. Not U 3. Not U 4. Not U 5. Not U 6. Not U 7. Not U 8. Not U 9. Not U 10. Yes, U! The one reading this post!

a 17. Who is no.2 having a relationship with? : Haha.. i can skip the next few questions..

a

18. Is no.3 a male or female?

: zzzzzz

a

19. How will no.9 react if he/she found out that his/her cell phone is lost?

: ................

a

20. If no.7 and no.10 were together, would it be a good thing?

: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

a

21. How about no.5 and no.8?

: .................

a

22. What is no.1 studying about?

:.................

a

23. Is no.4 single? [Anissa]

: ..................

a

24. Say something about no.6 [Lau Xin Wen]

: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz done! love this tag, the last few questions were the most fun.. xD do it yea! and dun copy mah style, or i swear i'll hunt u down and absolutely FRYYY uu~~ Hehe.. Done by, The SACRED panda.. wow.. nice name.. xDxDxD

My Beth

While browsing thru the novel Little Women, I came upon this - A poem written from Jo March to her dying sister, Beth.. MY BETH Verse 1 Sitting patient in the shadow Till the blessed light shall come, A serene and saintly presence Sanctifies our troubled home. Earthly joys and hopes and sorrows Break like ripples on the strand Of the solemn and deep river Where her willing feet now stand. Verse 2 O my sister, passing from me, Out of human care and strife, Leave me, as a gift, those virtues Which have beautified your life. Dear, bequeath me that great patience Which has power to sustain A cheerful, uncomplaining spirit In its prison-house of pain. Verse 3 Give me, for i need it sorely, Of that courage, wise and sweet, Which has made the path of duty Green beneath your willing feet. Give me that unselfish nature, That with charity devine Can pardon wrong for love's sake-- Meek heart, forgive me mine! Verse 4 Thus our parting daily loseth Something of its bitter pain And while learning this hard lesson, My great loss becomes my gain. For the touch of grief will render My wild nature more serene. Give to life new aspirations, A new trust in the unseen. Verse 5 Henceforth, safe across the river, I shall see forever more A beloved, household spirit Waiting for me on the shore. Hope and faith, born of my sorrow, Guardian angels shall become, And the sister gone before me

By their hands shall lead me home. (The following is a continuation of the novel) So the spring days came and went, the sky grew clearer, the earth greener, the flowers were up fairly early, and the birds came back in time to say goodbye to Beth, who, like a tired but trustful child, clung to the hands that had led her all her life, as Father and Mother guided her tenderly through the Valley of the Shadow, and gave her up to God. just something to ponder..

Its me again!!

Dang im back! I know, I know, I havent updated for a while. So what? Who has such time to update their blogs anyway? Ah well.. The people who have too much time on their hands.. I really envy them. To all readers passing by: Look, I know my blog is damn boring, not just layout but content too. If anyone wants to help, feel free to find me for my email and pass.. I seriously dont have time.. Will be uploading a few pictures of my visit to damai.. Haha.. Stay tuned for more.. In the next few days.. Again, sorry for not updating! -Panda-

Im back~

Finally! Im back.. After such a long break from blogging, i've come back. Yes, i know a blog without pictures is kinda boring. Yes, i know a blog about an uninteresting 15 year old guy going about his life is very boring.. But well, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. ********* Haiz. Reading other people's blogs are so time consuming. Managing my own? Even more so. And yet my blog is my only outlet, the only place where I can finally talk without being interrupted, to talk about me and me alone and no one else.. Its been a long time since I've had that sort of luxury. Whee~ I suddenly realize something. Im so lame. So let me tell u a story. ******** Okay. Three vampires walked into a bar. The first ordered concentrated blood, and the second ordered saturated blood. The third, however, ordered a glass of water. The first two asked him the reason behind his strange choice. He said.. "Aiyo.. Global recession lah.. I got bring my own tea bag....." =/ ***********************