A Reminder Of Our Mortality

So today, halfway through my Law class, I got a text from my mum saying that my dad had been diagnosed with acute tonsilitis.

I swear, my blood froze. You really DON'T want anything like this to happen to you. EVER I didn't know what acute tonsilitis was, you see. It sounded like tonsils, but the acute part had me worrying. What if it's life-threatening?! I really can't imagine anything happening to my dad.

I worried through the whole of Law. I don't touch my phone in that class, period. But I had to reply my mum. She said that with immediate treatment, he should be fine.

But that's not the point. The point is.. I was scared. I was FRICKIN' scared. I don't have a great relationship with my dad, but he is my dad. I really can't imagine life without him, although we're both under no allusion that this is a reality that will take place in the future.

But you never want to receive that call, or that text. You never want to receive news that a loved one is dead, or dying. Ever.

I remember when I was about 6, my uncle passed away from goodness knows what. That was the first time I saw my dad cry. I had no idea why, but I cried together with him. I could feel the pain in his heart, the pain of losing a brother. The pain of never being able to see someone, ever again. I just wanted to hug him, let him know that everything's gonna be fine. But I couldn't. I couldn't do anything to alleviate his pain.

A student from our college passed away a month or two ago in a diving accident or something. Shu Ern, her name was. (I think) I had a friend who was apparently close to her. She came to college looking like shit. She had cried for the past few days. My heart just.. went out to her. I wanted to hug her and let her know that people could feel her pain too.. But I couldn't. I'm sorry, Rocyie, I don't know why I didn't. But I honestly wanted to.


It's just.. We're so mortal. One minute we're here, the next we may be gone. I'm constantly reminded of that, everyday when I drive on the road. One minute I might be driving normally, the next some lorry might come and smash into my car and crush me to death. Who knows, it might happen?

I don't want to launch into a cliche, long winded sermon about how you should treasure your loved ones. I just want to communicate with you.. The emotion I felt today. The whirlwind of worry I went through from one simple text. I want you to know.. This is dreadful. I just want you to know, you never want this happening to you. The rest should be clear to you.

In loving memory of a person I didn't know existed,
You were definitely cherished by those who did.

In reminiscence of everything my dad and I went through,
I love you dad.

Shit. I'm crying.

Insomnia

Insomnia

It's 2.45am in the morning. In about 3 hours, I will have to wake up, get ready and head to college for an 8am class. And no, it's not that fun. Unfortunately, I can't sleep either. Although I have had minimal caffeine, I still feel super energetic in thought. Jogging in the evening doesn't help either, I feel like I got an extra burst of energy from it. Darn it.

So, um. Focus. Today. Nothing much happened. Yesterday. Nothing much happened either. Um. basically nothing happened. Semester exam is in 3 weeks. Better start studying.

The Break Up

So, um. I just broke up with my girlfriend. She gave me back the shark soft toy I gave to her, and my jacket. Feels weird, my eyes are puffy and heavy though I haven't been crying.

Wait, before that, a disclaimer. I know a lot of people abhor other people blogging about their personal life that is not relatable at all (I mean who gives a fuck right) but I don't feel like talking to anyone atm and this old blog seems to be the only way I can vent out my heavy hearted feelings.  So yeah. This post is never meant to be viewed by anyone so you can just stop reading about now.

Our relationship started on February 14th of last year (2011). We only started seriously chatting for about a month beforehand. When it started, everything blew past very quickly. One thing led to another and we were jumping through tons of barriers together. The days were lovey dovey, the nights were awesome. Class was spent in thought of each other, and bed time was increasingly postponed and replaced with phone calls spanning quite a few hours late into the night. Consistently. Dates were heavenly. Our relationship grew in leaps and bounds.

But all good things must come to an end. Cracks appeared, here and there. We ignored them, forged the way ahead together. Caught up in a whirlwind romance, we gave everything to each other. We started experimenting with more and more. Our feelings, social boundaries, then fire. We started playing with fire. More and more, and in public too. An event happened which shock us to the very core. We were afraid. Very afraid. Perhaps her insecurity stemmed from there. Her family was both conservative and strict (they always are) so her mum was not aware of my existence. She had no one to turn to.

But I digress. Back on track. The cracks. More and more appeared. She was insecure. Jealous. Possessive, more and more so. The further we went, the more aggressive it got. I balked and retreated. The games began. I hid things. She found out some. She got angry, she yelled. I yelled. We made up. Each made promises but didn't keep them. The process repeated in an infinite loop.

A fast forward in time. I grew up. I left my hometown, went to college in a bigger city. She was left behind, one year younger as she was. The insecurity grew. I, being the centre of her universe, literally left her. Being busy, we communicated less and less. She watched as my essence started to flow out of her life. And she was torn apart. Slowly. Unbelieving, denying that she could not hold on to me, she tried to grip even tighter.

I knew it was time. I told her, in person. People say you shouldn't break up any other way other than face to face. Being unable to accept it, she broke down again. Begged for forgiveness, and another chance to return to my life. I said yes, when I shouldn't have. This had already dragged on too long.

Today was the final straw. It was something insignificant, some unimportant part of my life which I couldn't care less about. But she was stressed, and looking for an outlet for all her frustrations. Little did she know that I was stressed too. A few curt texts later, she withdrew from communication and hid in her shell.

That night, she asked me to go get her stuff. The marks of stress, insomnia and incessant tears showed on her face, in her eyes. My heart broke. We parted ways.

Later, she urged me to put my relationship status to private, then change it to single. She did the same.

I still need time to accept this. I wonder if this will be final, or if it is another false alarm like so many times before. But this time seems real. The presence of Sharkie and my jacket with me serve to further support this thought too. I will wait. And see.

There is nothing else I can do.

Life As It Stands

Hey, just finished my SPM last year. It feels great!

In the one and a half months since I finished my SPM, I've done quite a few things, mainly cleaning up my room and stuff. I've just completed a one week stay in Kuala Lumpur with a few friends.

So yeah. The next thing in life would probably be college? I intend to take a degree in law, but not sure if I want to do A-levels or foundation.

Either way, there's not much to it. Just chiong ahh!! ...till the end. Lol.