The Break Up

So, um. I just broke up with my girlfriend. She gave me back the shark soft toy I gave to her, and my jacket. Feels weird, my eyes are puffy and heavy though I haven't been crying.

Wait, before that, a disclaimer. I know a lot of people abhor other people blogging about their personal life that is not relatable at all (I mean who gives a fuck right) but I don't feel like talking to anyone atm and this old blog seems to be the only way I can vent out my heavy hearted feelings.  So yeah. This post is never meant to be viewed by anyone so you can just stop reading about now.

Our relationship started on February 14th of last year (2011). We only started seriously chatting for about a month beforehand. When it started, everything blew past very quickly. One thing led to another and we were jumping through tons of barriers together. The days were lovey dovey, the nights were awesome. Class was spent in thought of each other, and bed time was increasingly postponed and replaced with phone calls spanning quite a few hours late into the night. Consistently. Dates were heavenly. Our relationship grew in leaps and bounds.

But all good things must come to an end. Cracks appeared, here and there. We ignored them, forged the way ahead together. Caught up in a whirlwind romance, we gave everything to each other. We started experimenting with more and more. Our feelings, social boundaries, then fire. We started playing with fire. More and more, and in public too. An event happened which shock us to the very core. We were afraid. Very afraid. Perhaps her insecurity stemmed from there. Her family was both conservative and strict (they always are) so her mum was not aware of my existence. She had no one to turn to.

But I digress. Back on track. The cracks. More and more appeared. She was insecure. Jealous. Possessive, more and more so. The further we went, the more aggressive it got. I balked and retreated. The games began. I hid things. She found out some. She got angry, she yelled. I yelled. We made up. Each made promises but didn't keep them. The process repeated in an infinite loop.

A fast forward in time. I grew up. I left my hometown, went to college in a bigger city. She was left behind, one year younger as she was. The insecurity grew. I, being the centre of her universe, literally left her. Being busy, we communicated less and less. She watched as my essence started to flow out of her life. And she was torn apart. Slowly. Unbelieving, denying that she could not hold on to me, she tried to grip even tighter.

I knew it was time. I told her, in person. People say you shouldn't break up any other way other than face to face. Being unable to accept it, she broke down again. Begged for forgiveness, and another chance to return to my life. I said yes, when I shouldn't have. This had already dragged on too long.

Today was the final straw. It was something insignificant, some unimportant part of my life which I couldn't care less about. But she was stressed, and looking for an outlet for all her frustrations. Little did she know that I was stressed too. A few curt texts later, she withdrew from communication and hid in her shell.

That night, she asked me to go get her stuff. The marks of stress, insomnia and incessant tears showed on her face, in her eyes. My heart broke. We parted ways.

Later, she urged me to put my relationship status to private, then change it to single. She did the same.

I still need time to accept this. I wonder if this will be final, or if it is another false alarm like so many times before. But this time seems real. The presence of Sharkie and my jacket with me serve to further support this thought too. I will wait. And see.

There is nothing else I can do.